I get the feeling Im not alone, I always thought my relationship with my parents was healthy until I became an adult and now I dread conversations with them. Are you up to anything good?, If the person comes back with an invitation and youre not enthusiastically sure you want to do whatever it is, delay! Rock the anger, LW. I always do this, too, especially if I get the vibe they want something from me other than just hanging (like baby/pet-sitting). I do have quite good boundaries with my family (after years of building them) and definitely only babysit when I want to. Photo: Funny Quotes. I will probably just need some time to unwind, perhaps to watch the Winter Olympics with my cat.. Give small truths. I think one way of dealing with this is to explicitly put the hard invitation back in their court. And sometimes the answer is well but if they respond that way theyre not your friends anyway, but we interact with a lot of people who are not our friends but who are important to our lives (coworkers, for example, or in-laws) and yet who can levy that cost. @mangosteeen, I would pay money to see Nosy Tellers face if you were to tell him you were flying to the moon some weekend! Me: Nope. Great, Thanks for Asking. My MIL does thatshe asks DH if we can come to dinner, and he says, Ill have to ask Toots. Then she calls me and asks me, and I say, I have to ask DH. Really early on, she did this, and then laughed at my answer and said, I asked him, and he said he had to ask you. He hardly ever asks anymore though. He's finally seen the light and realized you're meant to be together took him long enough. - Casey Stengel What I usually say is, Not bad, not bad, how bout yourself?. Vulgarity from a total stranger is an instant turnoff. Thats my favorite response! Justit can be a lot sometimes. The first time I heard this, I wondered who opened my brain while I was sleeping and pulled the song out and put it in a movie soundtrack. Im not talking about not dealing with this. Im also self employed and use a similar excuse. Person A: Im fine. I compared to you older friends of mine I see ruining their relationships with their adult children through constant disrespect, but then being bewildered as to why things are going so badly. I feel like letting her sleep is far more important than my social life right now., Sorry, I know it sounds like a stupid excuse. Them no problem, I hope things are going well for you. 3. Im relearning advanced math as an adult because it seems fun and Im bitter that I grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged me from learning. Mild office small talk is fine with me, and I have a few coworkers who may become friends. And when things are something that I consider a family obligation, I make it clear (I need you tocan you? I want to put a claim on your time for X, will that work? etc.) ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. A short, simple reply can be all it takes for you to let them know you appreciate their comment. Feel free to say no if youre busy/dont want to, usually leads to assurances that she *totally* does want to hang out, Saturday is great, etc. I may need some babysitting Im saying lets not be unkind to the LW for disliking or feeling stress about this particular social situation. Aunt: Good! I miss you though, can we plan dinner soon? And I have a date Saturday, but I would love to get a phone call-catchup on the calendar if youre freemaybe Sunday afternoon? (These examples are all people I want to spend time with I also use a lot of swamped this weekend! Well see you at other times but this ones for us.. Umm.pardon me, I wasn't listening. Funny Mom Quotes (and Sayings) I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. what about this would a person take personally???? So mostly I just want the question to go away lol, but since, as the Captain said, thats not likely to happen any time soon, I thought Id try to learn some better ways to navigate it, and again, all of your responses have been extremely helpful! In every group Ive been in it is socially acceptable and expected that you can say youre busy for whatever reason you want. I mean, where are you REALLY from, but whats up is harder, since nothing/dont know tends to elicit a why not? or you should be/do more fun! And I dont know what to say to that, because no just seems rude and I didnt invite them to improve my life. Wow is all I got. Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! 2. Paris color stylo eye shadow neon skirt Paris color riche le stylo eye shadow bronzed How much vitamin c does a clementine have Loreal paris color riche stylo smoky eye avant azure What to get a guy for valentine's day Paris stylo smoky eye shadow hollywood Why is friendship better than relationship Desculpa para sair mais cedo do trabalho View Each Day as an Opportunity, Not an Obligation, Everything That You Can't do Because You Have Kids. This is one of those times where being okay with yourself and your own boundaries about this will help you deal with other people in a mannerly-yet-assertive fashion. I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. Nothing much? and Im like yup and get back to work.) If I had a tail, I would wag it! If you're a naturally humorous and playful person, then you absolutely should let part of your personality shine through without clamming up. A possible script: Sorry, Aunt, if I dont do laundry this weekend, Im not going to have any clean clothes. and then if I do end up wanting to do whatever it is they want to do, suddenly my schedule cleared up! I have not observed him asking this many questions to other bank customers, not that I hang out in there much, and maybe they give him more satisfactory/interesting answers). But the thing is that people who were born in other contries than here (Sweden) ask me where Im from all the time. Try these OOO messages to let people know you're taking a break. Also, again in the UK, if the person is literally asking, the emphasis will be strongly on are. I think it depends a lot on context. Of course, you can replace "great" with any adjective (positive or negative) that describes your day in a general way. The only exceptions are: 1. I ticked the following boxes: 1) had conversation, 2) got her to talk about herself, 3) gave her questions so she could talk about herself some more to make her feel good, 4) she was talking to me, AND I saw her smile! Basically the thing you wrote about duties like babysitting, expanded to fun events. !" Never trust Calvin, even if you see Hobbes! How it came to need an actual (although formulaic) response, Im not sure. Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? I have a friend that would ask me what Im doing and when I say, Nothing the next thing is, Well, lets meet for lunch and then irritation and shock when I say Id rather not. You can help!'. Its also pretty casual, and most people automatically reply to that question because its so common. (In this case it was never exactly meant to result in actually doing anything), Them We need to have lunch soon 8. My response if Im up for it is Looking like a fun one, but did you have something in mind? If Im probably not up for it I say All the things! I also dont hesitate to tell people, Id have to check my calendar, what about you? in response to this kind of question! It gives you a window into each others lives and invites you to share something about yourself. Why insist on these parental avenues of control and dominance over another adult, when it has already harmed your relationship and can only do more harm? I want collaborators, not pupils. If someone challenges me on something, my default response is to assume the other person is right and I am wrong. Thanks! I saved up enough to move out. Its just a formulaic greeting. I hope this email finds you well. Ill have to check with E and let you know is super convenient. I have done that just doing errands/washing the car/housekeeping/taxes/library/walking the dog you? and still gotten a but are you doing anything FUN follow-up question(s). Here are 11 ways how to respond to what are you doing when your crush/partner asks: 01 "I'm just here thinking about you." This is a cute response that will let your crush/partner feel special because you're letting him/her know that he/she is on your mind. Man, that sounds great, but I know Im forgetting something on my calendar. See, shes trying to force you to perform niceness and capitulate because its hard to think of a way to get rid of her that wont make you look like a bitch not performing socially-mandatory niceness. We received your email and will get back to you with a (human) response as soon as possible. Grocery store cashiers, random people in the elevator, and taxi drivers dont want or need more of a response. to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. Because Im white, I fortunately have the privilege of knowing that 9 times out of 10 its just genuine curiosity and an attempt at polite small talk (theres always the 1 thats still xenophobic, though, like the cashier who blurted out when are you leaving, then? or the psychiatrist who refused me medical treatment because I should be going back to my home country soon anywayIm married and staying here, sorry to disappoint). ? I had a boss once who sometimes wanted to know if I could work overtime on the weekend, but sometimes wanted to know if there was quirky events on that her daughter might be interested in. Thank you!!! Personally what works for me to feel non-imposed-upon is for someone to either tell me I have time to think about it, say hey if you cant I understand or similar, and generally act like they care about my opinions, feelings, and consent. I've Tried, but No One Listens Hopefully Not as Good as I'll Ever Be If I Was Any Better, Vitamins Would Be Taking Me Okay. I can find someone else, so dont worry if youd rather not-Mittens likes you, so I thought of you first, but I know at least two people who have been angling for some alone time with the fountain., Translation: Here are all the ridiculous things I am asking for, and the dubious rewards I can offer in exchange. Not always). Why not set up a rent in dollars or set hours of work, and have done? Ill do it anyway, but saying it that way doesnt make it somehow not an order, Mom! They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. Photo by Josh Rocklage on unsplash 02 "Not you, unfortunately." Its the pre-request that to me frequently feels almost manipulative or entrapping. In the UK I think some places greet each other with all right? all right? and nobody blinks an eye. Am I Really? Jumping from Are you doing anything on the 3rd? to I need to know if youre coming on the 3rd so I know how many pies to bake! would be really confusing. The hubs and I do the same. Early on in dating the boything, he would ask what I was doing that night in a way that made me think it was small talkso Id say oh, Im working on [project] probably, or I might just have an early night. And then he would assume I wasnt free, whereas if he would have said hey do you want to have dinner? I would have been on board. I have close friends that Ive been upfront with and say Im totally a hermit, but I do like to be invited to events and will make them sporadically. Other Half keeps the diary, I need to check.. Speak to US respectfully. Clearly, I am not giving him the answer he wants, but I dont particularly want to keep having the conversation. My range is from fine, thanks, and you to tired but otherwise good to a real answer but nothing too dark or detailed. This is something that consistently bothers me too although in my case its more just that I dont want to answer that question with my coworkers ever. Also it varies on friend one friend, if I ask him if hes free Friday, we both understand that means beer and movies until the early hours, by default. This relationship goes both ways. For small talk, I like to ask questions where the answer can be simple. Its like theyre trying to help you come up with justifications for saying no before they even ask you the question. So when you talk about watching her leisure time and knowing how she spends it all, I hear a situation that would be psychologically unhealthy for a teenager, let alone someone in their mid-twenties. I think my own culture is more ask-y, but I had a pretty pushover personality and often felt, well, pushed around by the people around me. 2. They dont really need the details, and wouldnt know what to do with them. Sorry about that! During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. Theres still room for her to refuse. "Hi" or "Hello". You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course, and definitely use the Captains scripts and bat the ball back across the net with I dont know, how about you? But I wonder if it would help to make these interactions less frustrating for you if you tried not to think of them as someone trying to get something from you that you dont want to give. What are you up to this weekend? is an absolutely normal question and learning to use it is not a failure of yourself. Vagueing it up works for me. Must say I kinda love your kids response. Can you repeat what you just said? And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. Were having a party. I find mildly-but-not-entirely-absurd stock answers to be a good distraction. I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. That stuff just wears on people. Which sometimes was fine but not always. If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. You on the other hand, will get off the phone feeling charged and energized.and get right back to doing nothing. Im glad its not a way to get rid of someone/blow them off without saying so. or are you busy?). And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). As a little anecdote my ex-husband and I had just started attending a new ward in his church when a guy our age wed chatted with a few times asked us what we were doing on Halloween. Funny responses to compliments that praise your looks: I got this from my mother. Him: Nothing fun? When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. "It's happening.". Rock on, Helen. I completely agree that when it comes to a duty (like babysitting) this question is somewhat unfair. But, I think the conclusion there is, thats not on me. COME TO LOOSE PLAN HANGOUT THING THAT IM INVOLVED IN OR ELSE YOU MIGHT SHRIVEL AND DIE! and they had the best intentions. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. It still feels awkward, even though I do not think she is trying to manipulate me or claim my time. Here are some fun things to do on weekends: Get Moving 1. Yeah, I definitely use this question as way to be polite. You get to notice pretty fast that your opinions, feelings and thoughts dont matter if they dont conform to a view of the world that doesnt let them look like heroes and you like a cultural clich. But *I* am entitled to enact some of that fallout myselfits not all about her, shes not the only one who gets to be offended and feel pushed around, etc. (And boy howdy, did she get pissy when I responded with not really. We did NOT live together well.). Yes, this. Whats shes for is waiting on and attending to others, and without an opportunity to do that, she must be sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark. THIS. Thanks to this blog, mostly , Yeah, I also dont entirely understand how the question could be meant to make it easier to decline an invitation. This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). 1. "Yes, the weekend always . I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. And then I would walk away thinking that was a really awkward conversation and wonder if that person didnt like me or was fishing for an invitation to something or what. I wonder if some variety of Im really flattered that you asked and I want to hang bout, but I REALLY need to recharge this weekend, maybe we can set a time that works for both of us? might be a good script? But it can also just mean I love you and want to hear about things youre doing that youre excited about; it comes up all the time with friends who live far away! If you're taking a vacation and staying home, your clients or coworkers may still expect you to pop into the office and answer their emails. It shows that you're a calm and cool person who is easy to talk to and has no problem whether someone says hey or hello. I suppose its more of an emotional labor thing? Ive heard its a very Southern California thing and that people from other places are annoyed by it. Xoxo. I get you wanting to be met at the airport under those circumstances. How are you? What are you doing Saturday? might be an attempt to be extra polite about making an invitation, but it only works if the person wants to accept, and its only necessary if the person is too shy to say no. 1. What are you up to? If I get hungry enough, Ill consider eating them. person: cool yep 1 Keeping It Real I am currently out of the office on vacation. I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". For example, when Sean Hayes started to sing "beautifully" on the show, Ellen said, "Ok, we have to take a break.". At least Im bright enough to stay out of the control panel and remember my passwords. This suitable during the Halloween period. Thaaats what Im telling myself about my children anyway. Me: No can do. Three-day weekends would be perfect if they were just four days longer. Best of luck to you, dear LW! You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. Nothing? as much as it is practicing not giving into pressure to give an explanation of your schedule OR an immediate answer. I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. So, it's perfectly . I felt really connected to LW upon reading the letter! Is everyone busy? (Like just because I have no plans, I must do the Thing she wants to do. So I got in the habit of saying, I have no plans and thats just the way I like it. Whereas a lot of us see the advantages, like the precision you noticed, to some form of rapid written communication that wasnt around decades ago. Especially since shes not working during the dayshe only HAS leisure time.).